10/16/2013

Dear world, wtf

I'm not getting you these days world
Issue one ... Halloween stores. These are a great idea. I love em. But I'm horrified in there. Like real horror. I saw a very lifelike baby zombie, bleeding from endless sores, chewing its own foot off.
Who the fuck is the demographic here?
Anyone who really wants an image like that in their head, real OR fake, can go watch some fucked up zombie snuff film. But I don't think that shit is mainstream enough that we want little kids, moms, young girls, or even ME, to see that.
Why not just have the zombie baby be dead and have some other zombie fucking its skull?  Why stop?
Issue two, same store... Every female outfit was for a whore.  Whore nurse.  Whore cat.  Whore crayola crayon.  Really!   A whore version of a kids toy.
Now I'm all for women dressing up like whores, and so are many folks I'm sure. But these were kids outfits!
I can imagine bringing my daughter in and trying to find the right whore outfit for her... "You look pretty good as a crayon honey, shake that money maker"
Issue three.  We get 100 emails a day.  Everyone does.
20 Facebook messages.
100 texts.
5 calls.
When the fuck am I supposed to jerk off?


10/14/2012

shit got weird

to all my loyal fans, i apologize... shit got weird.  two days after my last post the landlord tried to evict me and the family.
then more happened.
and then more.
but during the past 5 months i've fallen in love again... with twitter!  maybe it's because i've been so busy.  maybe it's because of the whores.  and maybe i'm just lazy (140 characters?  fuggedaboutit!)

anyway, please follow all of my witty (and now concise) banter at
doctorglitter on twitter

4/30/2012

100 posts!

today i reached a new milestone.  my last post (with thanks to my reader for nudging me) was my 100th career blog post.
and thanks to the new format, i can see that my page has been viewed over 10,000 times!

wowzers

thanks universe for creating the internet.  and al gore's penis.

thanks reader

thanks to my parents, whom i neglect to thank every now and then.  and thanks to all of my ancestors whose shoulder i now stand upon... for toiling in africa, escaping from trees, walking to the promised land, diaspora'ing to europe, taking a boat to new york, taking TWA to LA, and leaving me here... on the top of all of your collective struggles.  in case you can hear me somewhere, this is awesome!  i'm gonna go eat some ice cream.

Chiction

That's fiction for chicks. Kinda like chick flicks, except it's reading. So it takes a lot longer and you can't sleep through it.
I've been spending my last 6 weeks reading the Game of Thrones epic saga. I'm on book 3 (of 5).
It was really cool til (spoiler alert) book 2 had the surprise ending of dragons! Oooh how mystical. Maybe we'll get fairies and unicorns next.
That said I can't put it down cause every now and then there're beheadings.
So I guess it has crossover appeal.

3/30/2012

i have no viewpoint ... on ambien

i really can't come up with any opinions right now.
mayb it's the drugs.  i mean, that's a pretty easy thing to blame.
clenching jaws
heavy creamy eyes
empty brain


woa, i just woke myself up!  i was face into keyboard for 2 minutes i think.  i should set up timers.


rolled at a bar with random folks tonight, and we did fine.  in some ways i'm so proud of those party kids who just fired up and did it.  they saw tremendous opportunity, somehow.  so they went and did it.  or are they all derelict junkies?
either way i think we'll be ok.  and they aren't sleeping here, so low risk over here.

i write an "S" letters upside down.  i start at the botom.  Do any of you readers?
i learned early and never unldeared


ps, just took a break to hot tub.  fell asleep 3 times in hottub

3/20/2012

Hot Mess

where'd this phrase come from?  people are using it like crazy these days.  my friend just used it tonight:
"i was partying so hard, i couldn't tell chalk from blow.  i was a hot mess."

i gotta say TIMEOUT.  hold up playa!

folks... what you're tryin to say is:
"i was all messed up"

but what it's sounding like is:
"mmm, i'm cuming in my pants right now thinking about gettin some.  you interested?"

we need to bring this one back to the popular-phrase-wherehouse and rethink it.
unless the point is trying to get people to hook up more... then i agree with it

2/27/2012

UhOh! I'm in trouble

and as usual, it's the same issue.  how the perspective changes as a dad.

so i'm reading a book with my daughter, when it hits me...

my daughter's the same age as my first girlfriend!

i was in second grade, and i was in love with a beautiful blonde... let's call her Jenny.  she was 8 yrs old, also in second.  i remember looking at her (Jenny), staring at her.  studying her smooth skin.  thinking about her hair.  loving the way her clothes touched her body.  i loved/adored everything about her.  i was infatuated.
this isn't dirty by the way, these were an 8 year old's memories

then i looked at my daughter and thought, "what kind of sick fucker was infatuated with a girl this age?  she's just a girl!  omg, boys are little freaks!"

but it also made me love her even more.  just remembering the way i adored Jenny, really loved her.  it made me see my girl as even more precious and ... adorable


but still, this parenting thing is the trip of life.  if you haven't done it, i highly recommend.